I suffer from OCD, ASD, CPTSD, and some more bullshit—some challenging mental Issues. OCD is complex; it's flawed; I feel like I can't stop thinking about scary thoughts and fears in a non-stop, repetitive way; it's like a loop in the brain, infinite disturbing anxious thoughts that make you feel stressed nonstop, which led me to unstoppable anxiety and fears. "Maybe everyone hates me now," "I did something horrible," "Everyone looking at me, probably from shame and hate.", "I'm not okay; I'm a sick maniac." I couldn't stand it anymore. I had no way to deal with it. Never. And I smoked weed and quickly stopped helping like it didn't take effect. Of all the bad things I've heard about drugs, I knew I had nothing to lose. It's whether I take pills to make me feel better or die with unstoppable fears, or even commit suicide. I started shooting heroin, which led me to those euphoric feelings that I had never experienced in so much time in my whole fuckin life. I was delighted and didn't have those extremely harmful disturbing thoughts. Euphoria and happiness, finally. I felt like I needed this happy, undisturbing, delightful feeling. I met with a very intense psychiatrist and told her about opium, its euphoric happiness, and how it helps my OCD. Very soon, she said to me that it just pauses the OCD and makes it even worse, just delaying the illness. She wanted to send me to rehab, and I said never. She wrote me a prescription for a very high dose of antipsychotic to help with the withdrawal symptoms. 2 Days after the meeting; I quit heroin. Now I'm two weeks clean. What about the withdrawal symptoms? - Im so angry. Mad. Every day I wake up stressed but take the antipsychotics for the signs. Of course, I continued using Ketamine, but it didn't have any euphoric feelings, so I did around three lines a day for the dissociative feeling to kick in and maybe make me freeze/pause.

It led soon to amphetamines, MDMA, which finally gave me that euphoric feeling again. I didn't sleep for three days because I was so hypomanic. And I still use MDMA right now. 

I started with 5 to 14 lines daily (snorting) MDMA, mixing with benzodiazepines. Doctors tried giving me many meds, but none helped with my OCD. I decided to take the other side and go for hard drugs. And I'm not regretting it.

OCD is endless suffering. I'd rather die from opioid overdose than live with those interminable fears.